My umbrella is (was) fabulous. Purchased for a mere $5.00 at Wal-Mart (don't judge), it was a picture of fiscal responsibility. Black with white and yellow flowers, a soft, sponge-y u-shaped handle; it was lovely, affordable and useful. A rare buy in my experience. Unfortunately, umbrella has definitely celebrated his last hurrah. Due partially to my abuse, and mostly to the inhuman wind yesterday, umbrella will shortly be laid to rest. Here follows the tale of the the untimely demise of Umbrella:
Umbrella has been a silent stow-away in my work bag, and sometimes in my purse, for quite some time now. It sits there quietly waiting for a rainy day during which it can fulfill its simple purpose: keeping me dry. I decided to put umbrella in my purse, rather than in my work bag, for a short trip to Wisconsin last month. I was sitting at McDonald's with the fiance, Ninny-Muggins and Baby Ninny-Muggins, and suddenly I felt an unnerving POP from inside my purse. What was that? Did a mislaid bottle of soda just explode? Is there a rubber band-snapping purse gremlin hiding in there? Should I be afraid of putting my hand inside for fear that it might be covered in lotion/contact solution/makeup/whatever-other-viscous-fluid-was-lurking-in-a-not-safe-for-purses-container? But alas, it was poor umbrella that had caused the ruckus. Umbrella had twisted himself in such a way that his poor squishy handle snapped off. Inside my purse. WTF...??? Anyway, despite losing a limb to a violent, yet unintentional accident, umbrella and I persevered, and although injured, umbrella lived to shield me from rain another day (yesterday to be exact).
Yesterday's weather definitely left something to be desired. Rainy and very windy. The perfect day to stay inside, but for those of us that had to leave the house, it was, to say the least, unpleasant. I got to work at my usual time, and proceeded to patrol the parking lot looking for a space. Ordinarily I am able to find a parking space in the closest lot, however apparently the universe thought yesterday was the day to poo on me so naturally there were no spots available. I had to park essentially in Guam, which instantly put me in a bad mood.
I grabbed trusty Umbrella and got out of the car to brave the long trek into the building. Immediately, the wind caught poor umbrella and flipped his innards out and bent his hinges in unnatural directions. It was like a scene from a bad horror movie. Reminiscent of Linda Blair crawling down the stairs upside down and contorted in "The Exorcist". Luckily, umbrella was able to flip himself back into a decent shape, but the wind had not finished its cruel ordeal. As I began the long walk to the building, the wind was relentless. It continued beating and battering umbrella within an inch of his life. Umbrella did his best to protect me from the rain and wind, acting more as a shield in front of me, rather than as a canopy over me. His hinges were all bent around me as the wind proceeded to flip him inside out several more times before I reached the safety of the lobby.
Once we got inside, I surveyed the damage. Umbrella was sufficiently beaten. But he had to live to fight for one more journey from the building back out to my car. After my shift yesterday, we again made the journey from the building to the car. Umbrella tried his hardest to perform his umbrellical duties. He was again rendered inside-out several times, but he has finally been put to rest down the trash chute it my apartment building. It was a sad day, but umbrella will be remembered fondly. R.I.P. umbrella.
Update: I just found out that the evil wind and rain from yesterday claimed another umbrella victim. A sad day for umbrellas everywhere.
