We've all been there. You're in a public bathroom stall, minding your own business... literally... just letting your mind wander as your body does what it was designed to do, and all of a sudden WHOOSH!!!! The flippin' toilet flushes all by itself causing you to receive an uncomfortably damp hiney; damp with nasty toilet water and all the other unspeakable things which were recently deposited. What folly is this? The toilet just flushes by itself? As if operated by some demonic toilet troll who relishes in delight at the prospect of causing severe uncomfortableness in even the least zealous of germ-o-phobes? Who's idea was this?
It truly is a sad commentary on the world we live in when expecting individuals to merely FLUSH after themselves is simply too much to ask. I like to think that we, as a human race, would collectively be able to handle such a menial expectation. After all, no one wants to look at that. There is such a nice and convenient little lever provided just for the purpose of ridding the world of such ugly sights. It is almost even satisfying to be able to just press a button to clean up after oneself. If only everything were that easy. But alas. Even the simplest of expectations is sadly not met by everyone. I was the victim of just such an individual a mere three days ago. I entered the public facility, opened the stall door and to my horror, I was greeted by a most disturbing sight. I won't go into detail, but there is just something about seeing the digestive remains of another human being that is, in a word, gross. So the rationale behind creating automatically flushing toilets is not completely lost on me, but I am still deeply disappointed in humanity for necessitating such an invention.
I am convinced the automatic flushing apparatus in these toilets was designed by some twisted sadist that enjoys causing havoc in the lives of his invention's unwilling users. It is simply impossible for the stupid thing to work properly at the appropriate time. It will flush when you are not at all prepared or ready for flushing to occur, creating the damp and germy hiney situation described in some detail above; or it will simply refuse to flush when appropriate, causing the user to unnecessarily fret that she will be labeled as one of the "dirty ones" on whom flushing etiquette is lost. This cannot and should not be.
Moving on. Only slightly less sinister than the automated toilet is the automated sink. The automated sink coupled with the automated soap dispenser is the Devil's Duo from Hell. When one works, the other invariably malfunctions. You will either have wet hands with no soap, or worse, soapy hands with no way to rinse them. The user is forced into engage in a ridiculous dance of jumping from sink to sink trying desperately to find at least one sink and one soap dispenser that will function properly so as to rinse the germy splashes from the evil automated toilet from her skin. We have all engaged in this dance and if you deny it, it is clear that you are a fibber.
Finally, it is an undeniable truth that automatic hand dryers will never operate properly at any time. You will stand there like an idiot with dripping wet hands, waving them wildly under the dryer, trying to appease the sensor which relishes in your damp helplessness. Eventually you will come to a mental crossroads. Do you stand there and continue flailing to attempt to make the dryer work? Or do you give up, admit defeat, wipe your wet hands on your pants and leave the bathroom a lesser person than when you entered because you were foiled by the automated beast?
Now I understand the rationale behind these automated bathrooms. Germ-o-phobes will tout their praises to the heavens (I'm talking to you, Ninny-muggins), but in my humble opinion, I'd much rather take my chances with the Ebolas and Bird Flus of the world than prepare for automated battle each and every time I enter a public restroom. But maybe that's just me.
